Coach Cassandra Rae

I seriously don’t have time to be blogging right now! But, it’s my guilty pleasure today as I run around getting ready to leave for their wedding:

Now I’m off to shower and lather up with all kinds of yummy lotions and potions! I promise to post wedding photos…

Tags: couple, engaged, hitched, love, romance, wedding

A very important adolescent cause:

summer school

smiles

scribbles

squeaks

sensational

cell phones

Tags: adolescent, daughter, girl, teen

I’d like to introduce you to Gracie the Chihuahua:

I just love her so much!

I never knew it was possible to feel like this about an animal.

She’s just so damn cute!

Look at her smile :~)

And she’s so vulnerable and strong

Plus she adores me…the daily doggie facials she gives me prove it!

Tags: animal, chihuahua, dog, love, man's best friend

Today is Friday which means that it is…

CHAMPAGNE FRIDAY!!!

About 6 years ago I began a Friday tradition where after work I would unwind with a nice, big glass of wine to get the weekend started right.  In the beginning, it was all about socializing with others and I only ever did it if people were over.  But, that was during the time in my life when I never did anything alone – I was too frightened.  I got over that after I realized that if I always needed someone else to do stuff with that I would spend my life waiting.  So wait no more and drink I will….with or without you!

Over the years, I’ve gone through so many wine phases….only red…only white….a six pack of Two Buck Chuck a week…drink enough to numb the pain….etc.  Over the past year or so (maybe longer who knows?) I’ve been in an Almond Champagne phase.  I mean, it’s absolutely delicious and cheap too (only $5.99 at Trader Joe’s).  So Cocktail Friday turned into Champagne Friday and recently I figured out that if you add cranberry cocktail concentrate that you can turn a glass of almond champagne into a fruity drink of heaven!

So here’s to the week end….cheers!

Tags: champagne, cocktail, Friday, relax, toast, unwind, wine

Right before I found out the tumor is benign I wrote in my journal, “You know this unknown (the biopsy results) really isn’t all that different from any other unknown.  We live with things we can’t know and control all the time.  So why not live happily with this unknown too?”

And then the nurse called me to give me the good news.

It seems like as soon as I let go of the fear and needing to know…I found out.  And as soon as I fully embraced simply putting myself out there…I found out it wasn’t life threatening.

“Funny” how that works, eh?

I mean part of me is pissed off…like why does it have to be like that anyway?!  And another part of me is so relieved…

{gotta go to the dentist now}

Tags: control, fear, give it up, happiness, life, unknown

Factoria Mascara 2

Photo artwork by londonlens

Okay, so one reason why I blog when I’m at the office is because by the time I’m available in the evening I’m just so tired and sitting in front of the computer is not high on my desire-list. But, I also like sharing with ya’ll so here I am…

Within the last couple of days I’ve really felt a huge shift within myself. I mean, finding the strength to live fully with purpose and positivity in the shadow of a potential life-shattering diagnosis was intense! And it’s interesting because a couple of months ago I thought to myself, “If I don’t step it up and really put myself out there, then God is going to shove me out there!” But, honestly I didn’t think the shove would be in the form of a breast lump.

This morning while I was journaling I wrote, “If I’m going to die soon, then why not just put it all out there?” Obviously that was before I found out the lump is benign. But, I absolutely love the freedom in that perspective. I mean, we’re all going to die someday…so why not just put ourselves out there while we have the chance?!

Tags: boob, breast, cancer, death, die, happiness, life

Sky is the limit

Photo artwork by Subash Chandran

“Good morning.  This is Cassandra.” (she called on my business line)

“Oh hi, Cassandra.  This is so-and-so from your doctor’s office.  The doctor wanted me to let you know that your test results are back and it’s benign.”

One sentence and my life is monumentally better!  Just a few words and my whole outlook has shifted!  Woohoo!  How awesome is that?!

There is a whole heck of a lot I still have to say, but I’ve gotta rush off for my first appointment of the day.  It’s a beautiful and busy day…the first one of many more to come :~)

Tags: benign, boob, breast, cancer

Just a quick note to let you know that there’s no news from the doc yet. I called this morning first thing and left a message hoping to find out today the results from the biopsy. But, they never called me back. It’s okay though because I was busy with lots of good stuff today. I’m super tired, but I had a good day. So I went on flickr and searched “tired” and found this awesome photo. It made me smile :~)

Tags: biopsy, boob, breast, cancer, tired

I’m in the office and there are probably a hundred other things I should be doing right now. But, blogging I am because I need it. Because I’m trying to make sense of things I don’t know. Because I’m waiting.

And sometimes I feel like giving up.

“Are you worried?” she asks.

long pause

“Well, yeah,” I finally answer.

“Oh don’t do that.”

It’s so easy to say it: just don’t worry about it. And I know that worrying is like a prayer for your worst fears to come true. But, it sucks me in.

Like a vacuum.

And it’s empty while filling me up all at the same time.

“Did the doctor really tell me not to worry?” I ask him while looking away and searching for something I cannot see.

“Yup. He said not to lose any sleep over it.”

“That was the first doctor and she said that when she thought it was only a cyst.”

“Oh yeah. You’re right.”

For once, I wish I was wrong and the wisp of hope washes down my cheek.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” he hopes.

“I don’t know.”

That’s just it. I don’t know.

“That would be the hardest part for me. The fact that it’s all out of my control and happening in my own body,” she told me a few days ago when she found out about the biopsy.

Yeah, it seems like I’ve been challenged a lot lately in the letting go of control category. There is this theory that life (AKA God) will give you the same challenge over and over until you learn what you need to from it.

Yeah, and graduate to bigger and better challenges.

Isn’t that weird? How we strive to achieve more when often times our achievements move us into new and terrifying territory where we are stretched beyond what we thought capable?

Some would define that as the meaning of life: growing, stretching, learning, achieving.

Me…I’m just waiting.

And blogging.

Tags: boob, breast, cancer, control, fear, God, meaning of life

This morning when I was journaling I set an intention for the day to see the perfection in everyone and everything. And then it hit me: what’s so gosh darn perfect about having a lump in my breast?!

My immediate thought was, “I don’t know. But, it certainly doesn’t help to view it as bad, evil, and wrong. So why not find the perfection in it?”

I think it’s a nice direction to be headed in. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to embrace it yet.

I mean, I can look back on the problem I had with my eye (I have a permanent blind spot in my left eye) and see how perfect it truly was. But, that’s three years down the road.

Why do we work so hard to prolong our lives anyhow? Certainly not to be miserable.  So even though I’m not ready to look at all of this as a “good” thing.  I am ready to enjoy the beauty of the moment.  My husband and I are going to go for a walk and grocery shopping.  Afterwards, we’ll probably snuggle up on the couch and watch Lost on DVD.  And tonight we are going over to a friend’s house for dinner and games.

Today truly is a gift and perfection is all around me…it’s simply a matter of choosing to see it.

Tags: boob, breast, happiness, life