Returning Home, Validating Myself - part 2

Feeling it heals it

Last time I shared about returning to Alaska and how asking for what I want validates my worth regardless of outcome. I also told you that I emailed my bio dad letting him know I'd like to see him while I was in Alaska. He lives quite far from Anchorage - where I was visiting - but, I was hoping he might be in town for the holiday (something very common for people who live in Barrow).

A month after sending that email and two weeks after my trip, I still haven't heard back from him. But, I do know that he received my message. After I posted my last blog post, I received a text from my sister Nancy who lives in the same town as my bio dad. She told me that she ran into him at the grocery store and he told her I emailed him. He said it meant a lot to him that I would reach out, but that he was broke and not making the trip. My sister didn't know he never told me.

Initially I was grateful just to know I had the right email and that I wouldn't be seeing him. It's hard to be in that limbo stage not knowing one way or the other. I also sympathized with him: it must be hard to say no to a daughter who has never asked for anything before.

But, as I write about it now, I feel the tenderness, disappointment, and loss in my heart. I feel the pain of being a woman who has never known her bio dad. I want to rush through this pain by focusing on what I do have and writing about what I'm grateful for instead. But, deep in my heart I know that the path of healing is to give voice to what I'm feeling.

I don't want to because then I must feel it.

But, I also know that feeling it releases it.

I want that freedom and so I wrap each part of myself that is grieving into a warm embrace of love and acceptance. I feel the young girl who wants a daddy to love, care for, and protect her. I feel the fiercely independent adolescent who doesn't give a fuck. I feel the teen mom who is scared shitless about being a parent. I feel the young woman who is bitter and angry and uses sex as a way to fill a void in herself.

Mostly I feel the part of me that always thought she was less than because she wasn't worth the time or effort of her own father.

I take each one and I give them space to be. I let them feel what they feel. I listen and allow knowing that acceptance empowers. I am willing to be present with all parts of myself and each and every feeling because I know that presence heals.

I can already feel the healing balm of presence and I know I'm stronger because of it. I know that I am worthy beyond measure. I know that I am valuable and equal no matter what my bio dad does or doesn't do. I know the Truth of my being is that I am here for a Divine purpose. I'm not a mistake and neither is where I come from. I'd like to still judge it as wrong, but I know that doesn't serve me.

As you can imagine, I'm still processing all of this. However, I'm willing to acknowledge myself for the courage to:

  1. Ask for what I want,
  2. Share my truth,
  3. Be with all parts of myself,
  4. Receive support along the way, and
  5. Going back to Alaska!!!

I might not ever "get over" my relationship with my bio dad. I might always feel the repercussion of growing up without him, but it certainly isn't going to stop me from living the life I want to live, being who I want to be, and creating what I want to create.

And personally, I think I'm awesome!

{Did you grow up without a dad? I'd love to hear your story. Leave a comment or use the contact form to send me a private message. You can also blog about your experience and post a comment with a link so that we can read your story too. It heals to give voice to your experience.}