“God can dream a bigger dream for me…
for you…then you can ever dream for yourself.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

In the months that followed my decision I’ve been searching for what’s next and I’ve made a lot of surprising progress.  I’ve also learned that it feels different when I am trying to control my future versus discover it.

“When you have done all that you can do
and there’s nothing left for you to do…give it up.
Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself
and let it then become a part of the flow.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

I’ve also learned that when I’m not trusting in the magic and grace of the Universe that there is always something to stress over, to doubt, and to fear.  I’m tired of being in that controlling space.  It’s small.  Restrictive.  I can’t breathe.  My soul can’t breathe.

“The wanting of it and the surrendering of it
taught me how to live in the space of letting go.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

So today I let go.  I recognize the power in the wanting of it and the power in surrendering of it.  I can still want it and let it go at the same time.  I can allow myself to be in the space of trusting God and making choices for myself.

“What should I do? Should I do this?
The bigger question is…
What would you, God the Universe, have me do?”
~ Oprah Winfrey

And so today I stand, with Oprah at my back, and  I ask, “God what would you have me do?” and I open my heart to receive the answers that are on their way to me…that are here now.

Is there something in your life you’ve been holding onto?  Do you feel the weight of it?  Are you ready to surrender?

Last week I talked about being on an Information Diet.  Well, it’s not a diet.  It’s a freaking detox! And like any good junkie I had my stash and worked excuses out in my mind to justify receiving more outside input.

Yup.  It’s true.  I cheated.  And I cheated a lot.

What can I say?  I didn’t realize I have an addiction until I had to go without.  Is there such a thing as Information Binging?

But, because I’m also a very responsible person I came clean with my coach.  In our next session, I admitted that I was only doing it halfway.  I was only letting go of the self-help information I wanted to let go of and wasn’t really stretching myself.

And then she said, “You’re stuck because you’re getting so much outside input.”

Inside I was like, “No! That’s not true and I can’t miss another free teleseminar!”

But, then she reminded me that the assignment isn’t forever.  That I just need to clean up my input for now so that I can tell the difference between what’s deeply moving for me versus what’s just shiny and new.  I’m clearing the way so that I can delve deep into my own motivations and vision – future parts of the Art Aligned workshop.

Whew!  What a relief.  So I renewed my commitment to the “diet,” which really is a commitment to myself, my vision, and my future clients.  And that feels good regardless of the withdrawal symptoms.

You know, even before this assignment I knew how important receiving internal guidance is.  In fact, I receive it all the time – I’m very good at checking in with Spirit and my heart, mind and soul.  I simply didn’t realize how much outside guidance I was adding to the mix.

Well, now I know and so do you.  So if you don’t see me on Facebook or on your blog know that I’m just taking a little break for now.  And if you do see me cheating on my diet, then please lovingly call me on it.  Thank you!

Last Friday was my daughter’s 18^th birthday and instead of celebrating we got into a huge argument.  It triggered all my fears of not being good enough and not being capable of raising a child.  I felt disrespected and unappreciated.  In short, I felt like a failure.

Thankfully with the support of my husband and her stepmom the next day we were able to sit down, have an open and honest – albeit difficult – conversation, and we came up with some new agreements to move forward.  It was productive and successful.  Everyone felt better, lighter and relieved to have made it through without scratching each other’s eyes out.

So after everything was wrapped up I was able to keep my plans to have a sleepover at a girlfriend’s house.  We enjoyed yummy food, authentic conversation, and great music.  It was fantastic to have a little bit of time off from the heart-wrenching happenings on the home front.

On the drive home I shared with my girlfriend how I’ve always felt like I fall short of the ideal nurturing mother.  I see other moms who can love and embrace their children with such an open heart.  I want to be that kind of mom and I consistently feel like I’m not that.  As if there is something wrong with me.

During the course of the conversation, my girlfriend asked me something like, “Has it always been this challenging with your daughter?  Or is this something new?”

I immediately began telling her how traumatic and dramatic our relationship has always been – right down to the pregnancy.  I hated being pregnant.  It was 9 months of pms-ing.  Then she was almost 2 weeks overdue and I was ginormous.  I was more than 200 pounds and my body didn’t even feel like mine anymore.  Then while giving birth – which was actually my favorite part of being pregnant – the umbilical cord was wrapped 3 times around her neck.  The doctor had to cut it off while she was still in the birth canal and the medical staff had to thump her 9 pound 9 ounce body to get the oxygen flowing.  Then we found out she had congenital hypothyroidism, which left untreated in newborns will lead to mental & physical retardation.  Then when she was about a month old I had a grand mal seizure and was hospitalized.  Within one month’s time we both had had life threatening experiences.  Yeah, I would say the trauma and drama has been intense right from the start.

But then, the coolest thing happened.  I heard God whisper in my ear, “You see how challenging this experience has been for you?  Can you give yourself a break now?”

My heart began to soften and I heard, “Can you give yourself credit for having made it through all of it?”

More softening, “Can you let yourself be good enough?”

And in that moment all the masks and barriers I had put up to hide from not feeling good enough came tumbling down.  My heart filled with compassion and I leaned into the warm, understanding and loving presence of God.  I stopped resisting the past, my daughter and myself.  I stopped judging the trauma and drama.  I simply let myself be embraced, loved and nurtured for who I am right now and everything I have ever been.

It was an amazing moment of transformation as my “not-nurturing-enough” story melted into an extraordinary experience of love.

Have you ever wanted something so much you were afraid to go after it? Yeah, that’s me right now.  I’m in the process of redesigning my coaching website & blog and I really want it to reflect my true heart’s desire.  But, I feel so vulnerable with it all. You see, I want to explore the topics of:

• Connecting with your Soul
• Receiving your Calling
• Creating your Success

But, I’m afraid I’ll fail. Oh my gosh.  It just hit me that I’m making myself a failure before my site has even been published.  Ouch.  Why am I torturing myself?  I guess the torture feels safer than actually opening my internet doors {read: heart} to the world.  It reminds me of this quote:

“Known hells are safer than unknown heavens.” ~ unknown

I wonder…what am I really afraid of? That people won’t like it?  That people won’t hire me?  But, those are all external factors.  If I were working with a client on this challenge I would ask her to focus on the internal factors: her desires, her message, and her heart.  I would ask her to trust her Soul, her Calling, and herself.

Another aspect to my stuck-ness is that I feel like I have to choose between business or spiritual coaching.  Over the last year I’ve worked mainly with women business owners.  In fact, people refer to me as a business coach.  I do have one foot in the business realm and one foot in the spiritual realm.  The business realm feels so easy in that I know the language and where to go to meet people.  It feels so tangible.

The spiritual realm feels so out of reach. I don’t know exactly how it will work or where to go to meet people.  Wait a minute.  That’s so not true!  I mean, it is how a part of me feels.  But, it isn’t true.  The truth is…I’m a part of a national spirtual community that has totally transformed my life.  I’m taking classes in preparation to enter the Licensed Practitioner program.  In fact…

I am an aspiring spiritual leader!

Whoa.  I “said” it out loud.  Yowza.  It wasn’t even that hard or scary.  You know what?  This is one of those times when thinking about it is worse than actually doing it.  I just need to go claim my Calling, write my web copy, and put it out there.  Wahoo!  I’m outta here…

{fyi ~ my blog is moving to SimplyFearless.com ~ more news to follow when I launch}

Oh my god. Today I discovered that I’m one of those insecure business women devaluing herself and her services. Now I hate myself for it.  What do I do?

“Well first of all.  There’s no need to panic.  You’re okay.  This new information is going to help you. It’s here to help you.”

Oh okay. But, she’s so weak.  I hate her for it.

“Yes there is a part of you that despises weakness.  That’s why weakness is showing up for you: so that you can embrace that too.  There is no other way around this but straight through it.”

Okay. My gut tells me I can no longer offer free stuff [in my coaching practice business].

“There’s some truth in there.  And it’s not black and white.  There’s no need to rush into action just yet.  First, process the emotion and then move into motion.”

Oh okay. That makes sense.  I can move into action when I have reconnected with my confidence and I’m not freaking out.

“Yes, it is wise not to move forward when you are freaking out.”

It also just occurred to me that believing in myself creates confidence.

“Yes, it does.  This week is all about believing in you and discovering your beliefs. You are doing an excellent job.”

Thank you.  It all just feels a bit overwhelming.

“Yes, it does. And you are strong enough to move through it with grace and dignity.”

Oh thank you.  Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

“Yes, I know. I’m here to remind you.”

Even though I haven’t continued with the blogging book club, I have continued with my 15 Minutes of Nothing.  Well, I guess it’s not really “Nothing” any longer.  You see, I’ve turned it into a mediation and I like to take notes when I meditate.  In fact, lots of times my meditation notes are a transcription of an inner dialogue like this:

“All that you’ve ever wanted to achieve has come to pass.  It’s only a matter of calling it to you and through you.  You have that power: to experience it or not.  It’s up to you.  what do you choose?”

Oh wow! That’s both comforting and disturbing.

“Such is the nature of truth so often.”

Can you give me some advice?

“Always searching, this one.  That’s the problem: the search.  I know it feels productive, but it’s not.  It’s harder to search.  It’s easier to get still and allow the answer to come to you.”

But, that’s giving up control!

“Is it? Or is it the most powerful form of choice that far surpasses control?”

Oh! I guess control could be an illusion of choice.

“Control is an illusion of safety.  In reality, it is the most dangerous of forces: you push your worst fears into reality.”

Ouch!

“Yes. Ouch.”

Well then how do I let go of control?

“Notice the pattern of searching.”

Yes, I see it.  I can’t help it.

“That’s okay.  Love yourself through it.  You only want what’s best for you.”

True.  But, why can’t I stop? Oy! Searching again!

“Excellent!  You noticed yourself this time.  See how you’ve already grown in just a matter of minutes?”

I guess so.

“You guess? Or you’re willing to recognize that this is challenging work that you are engaging in?”

Well, yeah it is challenging!

“And you’re willing to do it.  So many sense it and turn away.  They don’t want to be bothered to transform humanity.  But, not you.  You are showing up and consistently too.”

Thank you.

“You’re welcome.”

–

FYI, my words are the ones not in quotes. Who’s in quotes? I’m not exactly sure. I just transcribe the thoughts that come up.  It’s hard to describe.  I know the messages are not me, per say, but they arrive within me.  When I get quiet.  When I open up.  When I listen.  When I do “Nothing”. I receive.  I’m a little weirded out about sharing it with you.  But, it seems like useful information.  Well, it has been extremely useful to me.  I hope it’s useful for you too.

Have you ever engaged in a dialogue like this? I’d love to hear about it.  It’d be nice to know that I’m not the only one :~)

I lied to hide my feelings, my talent, my anger, my vulnerability, my past, my family, my belief in God, my fear, myself, and my humanity.  I was so used to lying I thought I was telling the truth.  I didn’t know in my mind I was lying, but I knew in my heart.  Deep down I felt it. It touched me in rare, open moments like while I was showering.  A wave of sadness would wash over me for no apparent reason.  It took all of my energy not to cry.  I would tell myself there was no reason to cry and rush myself out of the shower, the moment, and most of all…the feeling.

I felt it when my eyes would flutter open in the afternoon after a whole night of drinking, dancing, and debauchery {read: sex without love or relationship}.  I was so numb and hungover; and yet, the numbness would always bump up against something within me that told me I was hiding.  That this wasn’t the way.  I would shut down as soon as possible with another lie.  It probably went something like, “I’m fine.”

In my very first private coaching session, I knew I couldn’t lie anymore.  And it wasn’t because I didn’t want to.  It was because I knew she could see right through them.  She could see me.  The real me.  The thing is…she liked me.  She saw me and like me.  She wanted to support me through the ugly.  No one else had ever showed up for me like that.

So I told the part of me that wanted to run away and never look back that that was it.  We’re doing this thing called coaching and we’re going to stop lying.  No more running.  It’s time to face up.  Oh and boy did we ever!

We stripped away those lies piece by piece, bit by bit, until I arrived at myself.  And wow! I’d never known myself like this before.  You mean, I wasn’t a terrible monster? Nope!  I found that I was a lovable person with human fears, flaws, and foibles.  And it was in the very things I tried to hid that I found the beauty in my life, my experience, and myself.

I am okay. I am me. I am beautiful. And I am human.  I’ve only ever wanted…okay, I can’t think of one or even a few words to describe this longing, but I do know that by embracing all of me – even the liar – no, wait especially the liar – I have become just that: {no, not a bigger liar!} I’ve become:

ME.

Simply.

Beautifully.

Me.

Foibles and all.

You see, I received $5 of Borders Bucks.  I know, that in and of itself isn’t frightening at all.  But, just wait until you hear what I did with it.

I bought this book…

…and even before I purchased it I felt the power of it.  I held it in my hands.  Turned it over.  Read a few phrases.  And immediately began talking myself out of buying it.  There were so many good reasons to put it back:

I have countless books I haven’t read yet.

I’m behind in the blogging book club for The Joy Diet.

When am I going to have time to read?

I’m already in the middle of Convos with God book 2.

I shouldn’t spend more money on books – this is becoming an addiction.

And yet, despite all the very well-thought-out-reasons to put this book back and pass it up….I bought it.  I did it.  And now there is no turning back.  Its message is already humming in my heart.  Its power coursing through my veins.  I want to run and hide.  But, I want my dreams to come true too.  I want to put my talents out there.  I want my thoughts to become intentional things.  I want to lead the way.

Oy, and that pesky voice of fear says, “Put it away.  Don’t read this book.  You don’t need it.  You can do anything you want on your own.”

Well, you know what, fear?  I’m not going to run away.  And nothing you can say will stop me from reading this book, absorbing it, and putting it into practice.  I’m done saying, “It can’t happen to me,” and “That’s too big for me,” because:

It can happen to me.

It’s not too big for me.

I can publish a New York Times Bestseller.

I can travel the world spreading the Simply Fearless message.

In fact, I am a New York Times Bestseller author.

And I do travel the world spreading the Simply Fearless message.

There simply isn’t any way you can stop this from happening because it’s already happened.  The path is paved.  The rewards are there.  And I get to take one step at a time towards it and through it.

Life is glorious right now.  The process is perfect.  What a grand adventure.  I am the luckiest person on the planet.

Now step aside.

Thank you.

Oh!  And it’s also great to use when you’re stressed out!