“God can dream a bigger dream for me…
for you…then you can ever dream for yourself.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

In the months that followed my decision I’ve been searching for what’s next and I’ve made a lot of surprising progress.  I’ve also learned that it feels different when I am trying to control my future versus discover it.

“When you have done all that you can do
and there’s nothing left for you to do…give it up.
Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself
and let it then become a part of the flow.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

I’ve also learned that when I’m not trusting in the magic and grace of the Universe that there is always something to stress over, to doubt, and to fear.  I’m tired of being in that controlling space.  It’s small.  Restrictive.  I can’t breathe.  My soul can’t breathe.

“The wanting of it and the surrendering of it
taught me how to live in the space of letting go.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

So today I let go.  I recognize the power in the wanting of it and the power in surrendering of it.  I can still want it and let it go at the same time.  I can allow myself to be in the space of trusting God and making choices for myself.

“What should I do? Should I do this?
The bigger question is…
What would you, God the Universe, have me do?”
~ Oprah Winfrey

And so today I stand, with Oprah at my back, and  I ask, “God what would you have me do?” and I open my heart to receive the answers that are on their way to me…that are here now.

Is there something in your life you’ve been holding onto?  Do you feel the weight of it?  Are you ready to surrender?

The very next day my daughter came home from school upset.  She plopped down on her bed, put her head in her hands, and said, “I need some mommy therapy.”

Just the fact that my usually very private, I-can-do-everything-by-myself daughter was openly asking for my support grabbed my attention and I was immediately by her side.  She started talking and crying.  I asked her if I could give her a hug and she agreed.

And then the magic…

I simply held her as she poured her heart out.  It was a genuine moment where I got to be the nurturing mom I’ve always wanted to be.  I listened.  I soothed.  And I encouraged.  All while letting her have her feelings.  It was beautiful.  And what’s even better is that it didn’t end in a fight!

You see, in the past when we’ve tried to have these “mommy therapy” sessions I would inadvertently say the wrong thing, setting her off and we would both walk away hating each other and feeling worse than before.

But, that’s not what happened this time.  Nope.  This time we authentically connected.  I felt compassion and love for her.  I didn’t try to rush her out of her bad feelings.  Instead I just gave her space to express them.  Wow!  What a contrast from the past.  I feel like such a different mom.

It was like the moment I stopped beating myself up for not being nurturing enough, I became nurturing!  And allowing myself to be nurtured gave me the space to turn around and be nurturing.

Artwork Inspiration by KatHannah

Is there anything that you’re beating yourself up for?

Right now, in this moment, are you willing to give yourself a break?

It could be that when you stop pushing so hard against yourself, you just might find the you you’ve always wanted to be.

Last week I talked about being on an Information Diet.  Well, it’s not a diet.  It’s a freaking detox! And like any good junkie I had my stash and worked excuses out in my mind to justify receiving more outside input.

Yup.  It’s true.  I cheated.  And I cheated a lot.

What can I say?  I didn’t realize I have an addiction until I had to go without.  Is there such a thing as Information Binging?

But, because I’m also a very responsible person I came clean with my coach.  In our next session, I admitted that I was only doing it halfway.  I was only letting go of the self-help information I wanted to let go of and wasn’t really stretching myself.

And then she said, “You’re stuck because you’re getting so much outside input.”

Inside I was like, “No! That’s not true and I can’t miss another free teleseminar!”

But, then she reminded me that the assignment isn’t forever.  That I just need to clean up my input for now so that I can tell the difference between what’s deeply moving for me versus what’s just shiny and new.  I’m clearing the way so that I can delve deep into my own motivations and vision – future parts of the Art Aligned workshop.

Whew!  What a relief.  So I renewed my commitment to the “diet,” which really is a commitment to myself, my vision, and my future clients.  And that feels good regardless of the withdrawal symptoms.

You know, even before this assignment I knew how important receiving internal guidance is.  In fact, I receive it all the time – I’m very good at checking in with Spirit and my heart, mind and soul.  I simply didn’t realize how much outside guidance I was adding to the mix.

Well, now I know and so do you.  So if you don’t see me on Facebook or on your blog know that I’m just taking a little break for now.  And if you do see me cheating on my diet, then please lovingly call me on it.  Thank you!

Last Friday was my daughter’s 18^th birthday and instead of celebrating we got into a huge argument.  It triggered all my fears of not being good enough and not being capable of raising a child.  I felt disrespected and unappreciated.  In short, I felt like a failure.

Thankfully with the support of my husband and her stepmom the next day we were able to sit down, have an open and honest – albeit difficult – conversation, and we came up with some new agreements to move forward.  It was productive and successful.  Everyone felt better, lighter and relieved to have made it through without scratching each other’s eyes out.

So after everything was wrapped up I was able to keep my plans to have a sleepover at a girlfriend’s house.  We enjoyed yummy food, authentic conversation, and great music.  It was fantastic to have a little bit of time off from the heart-wrenching happenings on the home front.

On the drive home I shared with my girlfriend how I’ve always felt like I fall short of the ideal nurturing mother.  I see other moms who can love and embrace their children with such an open heart.  I want to be that kind of mom and I consistently feel like I’m not that.  As if there is something wrong with me.

During the course of the conversation, my girlfriend asked me something like, “Has it always been this challenging with your daughter?  Or is this something new?”

I immediately began telling her how traumatic and dramatic our relationship has always been – right down to the pregnancy.  I hated being pregnant.  It was 9 months of pms-ing.  Then she was almost 2 weeks overdue and I was ginormous.  I was more than 200 pounds and my body didn’t even feel like mine anymore.  Then while giving birth – which was actually my favorite part of being pregnant – the umbilical cord was wrapped 3 times around her neck.  The doctor had to cut it off while she was still in the birth canal and the medical staff had to thump her 9 pound 9 ounce body to get the oxygen flowing.  Then we found out she had congenital hypothyroidism, which left untreated in newborns will lead to mental & physical retardation.  Then when she was about a month old I had a grand mal seizure and was hospitalized.  Within one month’s time we both had had life threatening experiences.  Yeah, I would say the trauma and drama has been intense right from the start.

But then, the coolest thing happened.  I heard God whisper in my ear, “You see how challenging this experience has been for you?  Can you give yourself a break now?”

My heart began to soften and I heard, “Can you give yourself credit for having made it through all of it?”

More softening, “Can you let yourself be good enough?”

And in that moment all the masks and barriers I had put up to hide from not feeling good enough came tumbling down.  My heart filled with compassion and I leaned into the warm, understanding and loving presence of God.  I stopped resisting the past, my daughter and myself.  I stopped judging the trauma and drama.  I simply let myself be embraced, loved and nurtured for who I am right now and everything I have ever been.

It was an amazing moment of transformation as my “not-nurturing-enough” story melted into an extraordinary experience of love.

You really can find beauty and love anywhere you are looking for it.

Wordless Wednesday is a really cool blog carnival where people across the interwebs publish an image (or two or three or a bunch!) to their blog and then visit the Wordless Wednesday blog to add a direct link to their post so that everyone can check each other out.  Not only is it a great way to share your creativity, but it’s also an easy way to get a back-link back to your blog.  And we all know that back-links are good for your SEO :~)

I just found some more places to play Wordless Wednesday!

You see, I’m taking the Art Aligned 3-month workshop led by Kate Watson and my first assignment is to stop looking towards my “competition” for guidance.

No more looking to see what other coaches and creative entrepreneurs are doing and how they’re structuring their programs.

No more checking out their websites.

No more signing up for freebies.

No more teleseminars to have someone else give me the magic key to purpose, passion and profit.  This one is so hard!  There are so many fab & free teleseminars happening right now.

Nope.  It’s time for me to create some space to allow my guidance to come through; to hear my own internal messages.

Oy.  Why is this so uncomfortable?

Why is it triggering resistance?

Why do I want to go run and hide in one of the hundreds (slightly exaggerating here) self-help books on my newly organized bookshelf?  Oh, did I forget to mention that reading self-help books is also off limits?

I do know why.

It’s because it’s powerful and I’m afraid of what will be revealed to me.  I’m afraid that I don’t have the guts to do what I’m being called to do.  What if it’s just too big?  Too different?  Too bold?  I don’t want to step out of my comfortable little box.

And on the other hand, I’m bashing my head against my “comfortable little box” and dying to release myself, to let myself be different, brilliant and simply me.

So this is it.  Today I commit to my Information Diet so that my authentic voice can speak.

Closes eyes
Takes big breath
And dives!

Artwork Inspiration by newbeautiful

This is my happy, funny face after launching my new website & blog!

Not really.  It is a happy, funny face, but it’s one I captured whilst on a trip to Phoenix to attend an Abraham-Hicks workshop.  I shared all about it on my new blog.

Yup, I’ve moved.  Sigh.  I’ll miss CassandraRae.com, but I’m stoked about my new blog over at SimplyFearless.com.  Yay!  *does funny dance that teenage daughter rolls eyes at*

So yeah.  This is your official invitation to join me at the new digs on the interwebs cause in a few short days {or weeks depending on how soon I circle back} this site will be forwarded to SimplyFearless.com.

I do plan on using this site again, but it is way down the road when I turn it into my professional speaking portal.  Yup, that’s right.  I plan on touring the country & world speaking, inspiring, and sharing my message all about connecting with your Calling and receiving your success.  Wahoo!

But, for now, let’s stay connected via the new blog or on Facebook or on Twitter or on YouTube or on LinkedIn if that’s your thang!

Have you ever wanted something so much you were afraid to go after it? Yeah, that’s me right now.  I’m in the process of redesigning my coaching website & blog and I really want it to reflect my true heart’s desire.  But, I feel so vulnerable with it all. You see, I want to explore the topics of:

• Connecting with your Soul
• Receiving your Calling
• Creating your Success

But, I’m afraid I’ll fail. Oh my gosh.  It just hit me that I’m making myself a failure before my site has even been published.  Ouch.  Why am I torturing myself?  I guess the torture feels safer than actually opening my internet doors {read: heart} to the world.  It reminds me of this quote:

“Known hells are safer than unknown heavens.” ~ unknown

I wonder…what am I really afraid of? That people won’t like it?  That people won’t hire me?  But, those are all external factors.  If I were working with a client on this challenge I would ask her to focus on the internal factors: her desires, her message, and her heart.  I would ask her to trust her Soul, her Calling, and herself.

Another aspect to my stuck-ness is that I feel like I have to choose between business or spiritual coaching.  Over the last year I’ve worked mainly with women business owners.  In fact, people refer to me as a business coach.  I do have one foot in the business realm and one foot in the spiritual realm.  The business realm feels so easy in that I know the language and where to go to meet people.  It feels so tangible.

The spiritual realm feels so out of reach. I don’t know exactly how it will work or where to go to meet people.  Wait a minute.  That’s so not true!  I mean, it is how a part of me feels.  But, it isn’t true.  The truth is…I’m a part of a national spirtual community that has totally transformed my life.  I’m taking classes in preparation to enter the Licensed Practitioner program.  In fact…

I am an aspiring spiritual leader!

Whoa.  I “said” it out loud.  Yowza.  It wasn’t even that hard or scary.  You know what?  This is one of those times when thinking about it is worse than actually doing it.  I just need to go claim my Calling, write my web copy, and put it out there.  Wahoo!  I’m outta here…

{fyi ~ my blog is moving to SimplyFearless.com ~ more news to follow when I launch}

Now, I’m going to bed.  You see, although this blog post is being published on 2/24 at 9:18am, it’s actually 10:30pm on 1/2!  I just spent the entire day writing and scheduling 56 blog posts to share all the fears I faced.  Whew.  I am really ready for bed.

Goodnight!