Welcome to the magical world of transformation…

I’m in the office and there are probably a hundred other things I should be doing right now. But, blogging I am because I need it. Because I’m trying to make sense of things I don’t know. Because I’m waiting.

And sometimes I feel like giving up.

“Are you worried?” she asks.

long pause

“Well, yeah,” I finally answer.

“Oh don’t do that.”

It’s so easy to say it: just don’t worry about it. And I know that worrying is like a prayer for your worst fears to come true. But, it sucks me in.

Like a vacuum.

And it’s empty while filling me up all at the same time.

“Did the doctor really tell me not to worry?” I ask him while looking away and searching for something I cannot see.

“Yup. He said not to lose any sleep over it.”

“That was the first doctor and she said that when she thought it was only a cyst.”

“Oh yeah. You’re right.”

For once, I wish I was wrong and the wisp of hope washes down my cheek.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” he hopes.

“I don’t know.”

That’s just it. I don’t know.

“That would be the hardest part for me. The fact that it’s all out of my control and happening in my own body,” she told me a few days ago when she found out about the biopsy.

Yeah, it seems like I’ve been challenged a lot lately in the letting go of control category. There is this theory that life (AKA God) will give you the same challenge over and over until you learn what you need to from it.

Yeah, and graduate to bigger and better challenges.

Isn’t that weird? How we strive to achieve more when often times our achievements move us into new and terrifying territory where we are stretched beyond what we thought capable?

Some would define that as the meaning of life: growing, stretching, learning, achieving.

Me…I’m just waiting.

And blogging.

Tags: boob, breast, cancer, control, fear, God, meaning of life