Welcome to the magical world of transformation…

{note: read part 1 first}

“Okay.  Some warm gel now, ” he said.

“Oh!  That’s so nice that it’s not cold,” I said surprised as he smeared the warm gel over my boob and pressed the ultrasound paddle against my lumpy, bumpy breast.

“We’re like the spa,” he replied smiling.

It’s true.  They kinda are like the spa with the robe, dim lighting, soft music, and warm gel…except for the part where he sticks me with a big, fat needle!

After a few minutes of slipping and sliding around my boob he said, “I don’t see a mass.  I see a cyst and a little oval shape behind this vessel.”

That must have been the vessel the surgeon hit, I thought.

“But, I don’t think it’s a mass,” he continues, “I think it’s an injury to the artery from the last biopsy.  Look at this.”

He goes on to show me where the cyst is.  It’s buried underneath a lot of breast tissue.  He said it’s probably been there for a long time even though I just found it a month ago.  Then he shows me the other dark spot and there’s this red and blue line pulsing in front of it.  He says it’s the artery and that because it’s traversing the dark spot, that it’s probably not a mass and most likely nothing to be concerned about.

Honestly, I couldn’t make the connection between what he was saying and what he was showing me.  The screen was fuzzy and things kept moving.  He spoke in probably’s and most likely’s.  I wanted to see and hear something concrete; something I could wrap my hands around and hold onto.  Instead the only thing to grasp was faith in his opinion, which he seemed kind of skeptical about himself.  But, he was certain about aspirating the cyst instead of doing another biopsy, which was such a relief to me because that meant no more spring-loaded needles!

She came over and wiped off all the now-cold gel and washed my breast with red sponges of betadine soap.  Chills ran up and down my body.

“Can you roll over towards the wall please?” she asked and wedged some cushions underneath my side and bottom to prop me up.

“Okay, now lift your arm up over your head and rest it on the pillow.”

Could this be any more uncomfortable? My fingers stared to tingle and I wondered how long I could hold this twisted and skewed position.  Well, if my arm and back hurt, then maybe my boob will hurt less!

He draped sterile towels over my chest leaving only my boob exposed.  “Please don’t touch these,” he instructed.  “Okay, a little pinch now.”

I turned my head away from him searching the blank white wall for something to focus on.  Why didn’t they have beautiful artwork in here like they did in the hallway?  What kind of spa is this anyways?!

Tags: biopsy, boob, breast, cancer, health, lumpy bumpy breast, ultrasound

If us women paid them as much attention as the guys do then maybe breast cancer would be a thing of the past!

Photo artwork by classic perfection

“Ms. Rae?”

“Yes,” I answered standing up.

“Right this way please,” she pointed through the doorway and down the hall.

“Can my husband come too?” I hoped.

“No, not right now. Maybe later. We’ll see what the doctor has to say.”

“Okay,” I shrugged and walked through the door alone.

She led me to a dressing room just like the kind they have at Macys filled with multiple stalls and doors with sliding chrome locks.

“Take everything off from the waist up and put this on,” she instructed handing me a thick cotton robe with the words Breast Center embroidered in pink across the front pocket.

–

When I came out of the dressing room she wasn’t there. Do I go find her? Is she waiting for me somewhere else? I glanced around the corner in the hallway and didn’t see anyone. So instead I sat down and started reading People magazine. There was another lady waiting, but she didn’t look up and I just knew it was better to sit quietly without talking. My husband was only a few steps away behind the closed waiting room door, but I felt so alone.

“Okay, Ms. Rae, come with me.”

Tucking my lonliness safely away within the pages of People, I put the magazine back on the table and shuffled down the hall in my robe, jeans, and red tennies.

“How does your husband do with blood and needles?” she asked.

“Yeah, not so good. I guess it’s better if he waits outside.” Oh my gosh. Am I seriously giving up the comfort of my husband voluntarily? I really wanted to feel the touch of his fingers around my hand. Something to hold onto. Eyes to look into that would show me that I’m safe. That I’m okay. But, I gave it up. I let it go. And I ignored my need for his presence to spare him a few moments with a needle and possibly some blood. I pushed it all down to make it easier for him.

–

I climbed up the stairs and made myself as comfortable as possible on the cushioned table.

“Is music okay? she asked.

“Sure,” I replied and she flipped on some classical tunes.

“I’m going to go get the doctor now. I’ll be right back,” she said dimming the lights before leaving me alone.

And as soon as she left, it hit me: the vulnerability. I felt so small on this huge table and even the ultrasound machines were bigger than me. I glanced around the room looking for something to make me feel better. Tears began to swell. I wanted to run and go get my husband. But, the door opened and there they were. I quickly shoved the tears back into the deepest, darkest part of my soul and looked at the doctor.

“Hi, Ms. Rae,” he said. “Are you ready for your procedure?”

“Yes,” I lied with a smile.

Tags: biopsy, boob, breast, cancer, needles

Just a quick note to let you know that there’s no news from the doc yet. I called this morning first thing and left a message hoping to find out today the results from the biopsy. But, they never called me back. It’s okay though because I was busy with lots of good stuff today. I’m super tired, but I had a good day. So I went on flickr and searched “tired” and found this awesome photo. It made me smile :~)

Tags: biopsy, boob, breast, cancer, tired