Even though I haven’t continued with the blogging book club, I have continued with my 15 Minutes of Nothing.  Well, I guess it’s not really “Nothing” any longer.  You see, I’ve turned it into a mediation and I like to take notes when I meditate.  In fact, lots of times my meditation notes are a transcription of an inner dialogue like this:

“All that you’ve ever wanted to achieve has come to pass.  It’s only a matter of calling it to you and through you.  You have that power: to experience it or not.  It’s up to you.  what do you choose?”

Oh wow! That’s both comforting and disturbing.

“Such is the nature of truth so often.”

Can you give me some advice?

“Always searching, this one.  That’s the problem: the search.  I know it feels productive, but it’s not.  It’s harder to search.  It’s easier to get still and allow the answer to come to you.”

But, that’s giving up control!

“Is it? Or is it the most powerful form of choice that far surpasses control?”

Oh! I guess control could be an illusion of choice.

“Control is an illusion of safety.  In reality, it is the most dangerous of forces: you push your worst fears into reality.”

Ouch!

“Yes. Ouch.”

Well then how do I let go of control?

“Notice the pattern of searching.”

Yes, I see it.  I can’t help it.

“That’s okay.  Love yourself through it.  You only want what’s best for you.”

True.  But, why can’t I stop? Oy! Searching again!

“Excellent!  You noticed yourself this time.  See how you’ve already grown in just a matter of minutes?”

I guess so.

“You guess? Or you’re willing to recognize that this is challenging work that you are engaging in?”

Well, yeah it is challenging!

“And you’re willing to do it.  So many sense it and turn away.  They don’t want to be bothered to transform humanity.  But, not you.  You are showing up and consistently too.”

Thank you.

“You’re welcome.”

–

FYI, my words are the ones not in quotes. Who’s in quotes? I’m not exactly sure. I just transcribe the thoughts that come up.  It’s hard to describe.  I know the messages are not me, per say, but they arrive within me.  When I get quiet.  When I open up.  When I listen.  When I do “Nothing”. I receive.  I’m a little weirded out about sharing it with you.  But, it seems like useful information.  Well, it has been extremely useful to me.  I hope it’s useful for you too.

Have you ever engaged in a dialogue like this? I’d love to hear about it.  It’d be nice to know that I’m not the only one :~)

Right before I found out the tumor is benign I wrote in my journal, “You know this unknown (the biopsy results) really isn’t all that different from any other unknown.  We live with things we can’t know and control all the time.  So why not live happily with this unknown too?”

And then the nurse called me to give me the good news.

It seems like as soon as I let go of the fear and needing to know…I found out.  And as soon as I fully embraced simply putting myself out there…I found out it wasn’t life threatening.

“Funny” how that works, eh?

I mean part of me is pissed off…like why does it have to be like that anyway?!  And another part of me is so relieved…

{gotta go to the dentist now}

I’m in the office and there are probably a hundred other things I should be doing right now. But, blogging I am because I need it. Because I’m trying to make sense of things I don’t know. Because I’m waiting.

And sometimes I feel like giving up.

“Are you worried?” she asks.

long pause

“Well, yeah,” I finally answer.

“Oh don’t do that.”

It’s so easy to say it: just don’t worry about it. And I know that worrying is like a prayer for your worst fears to come true. But, it sucks me in.

Like a vacuum.

And it’s empty while filling me up all at the same time.

“Did the doctor really tell me not to worry?” I ask him while looking away and searching for something I cannot see.

“Yup. He said not to lose any sleep over it.”

“That was the first doctor and she said that when she thought it was only a cyst.”

“Oh yeah. You’re right.”

For once, I wish I was wrong and the wisp of hope washes down my cheek.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” he hopes.

“I don’t know.”

That’s just it. I don’t know.

“That would be the hardest part for me. The fact that it’s all out of my control and happening in my own body,” she told me a few days ago when she found out about the biopsy.

Yeah, it seems like I’ve been challenged a lot lately in the letting go of control category. There is this theory that life (AKA God) will give you the same challenge over and over until you learn what you need to from it.

Yeah, and graduate to bigger and better challenges.

Isn’t that weird? How we strive to achieve more when often times our achievements move us into new and terrifying territory where we are stretched beyond what we thought capable?

Some would define that as the meaning of life: growing, stretching, learning, achieving.

Me…I’m just waiting.

And blogging.