Apr 14 2011
From Not Feeling Enough to Feeling Loved
Last Friday was my daughter’s 18th birthday and instead of celebrating we got into a huge argument. It triggered all my fears of not being good enough and not being capable of raising a child. I felt disrespected and unappreciated. In short, I felt like a failure.
Thankfully with the support of my husband and her stepmom the next day we were able to sit down, have an open and honest – albeit difficult – conversation, and we came up with some new agreements to move forward. It was productive and successful. Everyone felt better, lighter and relieved to have made it through without scratching each other’s eyes out.
So after everything was wrapped up I was able to keep my plans to have a sleepover at a girlfriend’s house. We enjoyed yummy food, authentic conversation, and great music. It was fantastic to have a little bit of time off from the heart-wrenching happenings on the home front.
On the drive home I shared with my girlfriend how I’ve always felt like I fall short of the ideal nurturing mother. I see other moms who can love and embrace their children with such an open heart. I want to be that kind of mom and I consistently feel like I’m not that. As if there is something wrong with me.
During the course of the conversation, my girlfriend asked me something like, “Has it always been this challenging with your daughter? Or is this something new?”
I immediately began telling her how traumatic and dramatic our relationship has always been – right down to the pregnancy. I hated being pregnant. It was 9 months of pms-ing. Then she was almost 2 weeks overdue and I was ginormous. I was more than 200 pounds and my body didn’t even feel like mine anymore. Then while giving birth – which was actually my favorite part of being pregnant – the umbilical cord was wrapped 3 times around her neck. The doctor had to cut it off while she was still in the birth canal and the medical staff had to thump her 9 pound 9 ounce body to get the oxygen flowing. Then we found out she had congenital hypothyroidism, which left untreated in newborns will lead to mental & physical retardation. Then when she was about a month old I had a grand mal seizure and was hospitalized. Within one month’s time we both had had life threatening experiences. Yeah, I would say the trauma and drama has been intense right from the start.
But then, the coolest thing happened. I heard God whisper in my ear, “You see how challenging this experience has been for you? Can you give yourself a break now?”
My heart began to soften and I heard, “Can you give yourself credit for having made it through all of it?”
More softening, “Can you let yourself be good enough?”
And in that moment all the masks and barriers I had put up to hide from not feeling good enough came tumbling down. My heart filled with compassion and I leaned into the warm, understanding and loving presence of God. I stopped resisting the past, my daughter and myself. I stopped judging the trauma and drama. I simply let myself be embraced, loved and nurtured for who I am right now and everything I have ever been.
It was an amazing moment of transformation as my “not-nurturing-enough” story melted into an extraordinary experience of love.
