Welcome to the magical world of transformation…

Last week I shared with you how a really challenging experience with my 18 year old daughter led me straight into the heart of God.  It was one of those pivotal moments where there was no way to be the same afterward.  And then something amazing happened…

The very next day my daughter came home from school upset.  She plopped down on her bed, put her head in her hands, and said, “I need some mommy therapy.”

Just the fact that my usually very private, I-can-do-everything-by-myself daughter was openly asking for my support grabbed my attention and I was immediately by her side.  She started talking and crying.  I asked her if I could give her a hug and she agreed.

And then the magic…

I simply held her as she poured her heart out.  It was a genuine moment where I got to be the nurturing mom I’ve always wanted to be.  I listened.  I soothed.  And I encouraged.  All while letting her have her feelings.  It was beautiful.  And what’s even better is that it didn’t end in a fight!

You see, in the past when we’ve tried to have these “mommy therapy” sessions I would inadvertently say the wrong thing, setting her off and we would both walk away hating each other and feeling worse than before.

But, that’s not what happened this time.  Nope.  This time we authentically connected.  I felt compassion and love for her.  I didn’t try to rush her out of her bad feelings.  Instead I just gave her space to express them.  Wow!  What a contrast from the past.  I feel like such a different mom.

It was like the moment I stopped beating myself up for not being nurturing enough, I became nurturing!  And allowing myself to be nurtured gave me the space to turn around and be nurturing.

Artwork Inspiration by KatHannah

Is there anything that you’re beating yourself up for?

Right now, in this moment, are you willing to give yourself a break?

It could be that when you stop pushing so hard against yourself, you just might find the you you’ve always wanted to be.

Tags: motherhood, nurturing, Parenting, Relationships, self esteem, teens

Last Friday was my daughter’s 18^th birthday and instead of celebrating we got into a huge argument.  It triggered all my fears of not being good enough and not being capable of raising a child.  I felt disrespected and unappreciated.  In short, I felt like a failure.

Thankfully with the support of my husband and her stepmom the next day we were able to sit down, have an open and honest – albeit difficult – conversation, and we came up with some new agreements to move forward.  It was productive and successful.  Everyone felt better, lighter and relieved to have made it through without scratching each other’s eyes out.

So after everything was wrapped up I was able to keep my plans to have a sleepover at a girlfriend’s house.  We enjoyed yummy food, authentic conversation, and great music.  It was fantastic to have a little bit of time off from the heart-wrenching happenings on the home front.

On the drive home I shared with my girlfriend how I’ve always felt like I fall short of the ideal nurturing mother.  I see other moms who can love and embrace their children with such an open heart.  I want to be that kind of mom and I consistently feel like I’m not that.  As if there is something wrong with me.

During the course of the conversation, my girlfriend asked me something like, “Has it always been this challenging with your daughter?  Or is this something new?”

I immediately began telling her how traumatic and dramatic our relationship has always been – right down to the pregnancy.  I hated being pregnant.  It was 9 months of pms-ing.  Then she was almost 2 weeks overdue and I was ginormous.  I was more than 200 pounds and my body didn’t even feel like mine anymore.  Then while giving birth – which was actually my favorite part of being pregnant – the umbilical cord was wrapped 3 times around her neck.  The doctor had to cut it off while she was still in the birth canal and the medical staff had to thump her 9 pound 9 ounce body to get the oxygen flowing.  Then we found out she had congenital hypothyroidism, which left untreated in newborns will lead to mental & physical retardation.  Then when she was about a month old I had a grand mal seizure and was hospitalized.  Within one month’s time we both had had life threatening experiences.  Yeah, I would say the trauma and drama has been intense right from the start.

But then, the coolest thing happened.  I heard God whisper in my ear, “You see how challenging this experience has been for you?  Can you give yourself a break now?”

My heart began to soften and I heard, “Can you give yourself credit for having made it through all of it?”

More softening, “Can you let yourself be good enough?”

And in that moment all the masks and barriers I had put up to hide from not feeling good enough came tumbling down.  My heart filled with compassion and I leaned into the warm, understanding and loving presence of God.  I stopped resisting the past, my daughter and myself.  I stopped judging the trauma and drama.  I simply let myself be embraced, loved and nurtured for who I am right now and everything I have ever been.

It was an amazing moment of transformation as my “not-nurturing-enough” story melted into an extraordinary experience of love.

Tags: God, love, nurturing, Parenting

98. {12/28/09} Today I gave myself permission to focus on work even though The Fam was off of work and school.  I went to a 3 hour writing session, held my monthly coaching call, and posted to my blog.  It was wonderful.  Oh yeah, and I asked The Hubs to help out with The Girl so that I could work some more!  It felt so good to do my thing even though part of me was like, “You’re supposed to be focusing on family right now.”  It just amazes me how black and white that pesky little voice of fear is.  As if I’m a bad mother if I’m not 100% focused on family all the time.  That’s ridiculous and I’m proud of myself for not holding myself to an unobtainable standard.

Tags: 100 Things I Fear, courage, Family, fear, motherhood, Parenting

96. {12/26/09} Today I told my daughter that I didn’t want to go shopping with her because it was the truth.  I really didn’t feel like shopping.  But, I felt so bad because it was our first day back together after a week holiday and fear said that “a good mother would spend every waking moment with her daughter.”  Oh yeah, I’m letting that one go!  Because a truly good mother is an honest one who shows her daughter that it’s okay to do your own thing.

Tags: 100 Things I Fear, courage, fear, Parenting

88. {12/18/09} Today I walked into the living room, turned off the tellie, and told my daughter she was going with me to my chiropractor appointment.  I’m becoming more assertive as a parent and it feels good for everyone.

Tags: 100 Things I Fear, courage, fear, Parenting, teen

84. {12/14/09} Today I took my daughter to see a homeopathic practitioner and it was such a cool experience.  Mary Jo interviewed both of us about our entire history together.  It was so scary to sit back and listen to my daughter describe her childhood.  I was afraid she was going to attack me and blame me for anything negative.  At times, I did find myself wanting to argue points.  But, the truth is…it was how she experienced it and not me.  I did have space to share my experience too.  Every mother and daughter should go through this process together.  It’s scary, but eye-opening and can really help you start over together if you have a lot of history.

Tags: 100 Things I Fear, courage, fear, Parenting, Relationships

70. {11/30/09} Instead of taking over from a place of frustration and judgment, I let my teenage daughter deal with a situation herself and it all worked out.

Tags: 100 Things I Fear, courage, fear, Parenting, teen

56. {11/16/09} I am so proud of myself for calmly getting us through what could have been a major disaster.  I really can’t share the details as they aren’t mine to share, but I can tell you that I faced some serious parenting fears.  I got through it by:

• Not pushing anyone through it
• Focused only on the next step
• Asked for outside help
• Shared my truth with compassion
• Held her to new standards
• Reflected on it afterward

Tags: 100 Things I Fear, courage, Family, fear, Parenting, teen

55. {11/15/09} I had a heart-wrenching experience today.  My teenage daughter is going through some major stuff and as a parent I am often confused, triggered, and totally baffled by her process.  But, I am so proud of myself for consistently sharing the truth about my observations, my feelings, and my intuition.  I’ve also called her on her behavior without shouting and sometimes that is so hard when all I want to do is ring her neck.  But, that is just fear and I have the strength, courage, and know-how to walk through these fears – even when they involve my baby.  Oy!  I trust we are going to make it through this.

Tags: 100 Things I Fear, courage, Family, fear, Parenting, teen

47. {11/07/09} I made The Girl do something she didn’t want to do.  I held my ground and she stepped up to the plate.  Damn.  This parenting gig triggers a lot of fear!

Tags: 100 Things I Fear, courage, fear, Parenting